im six kinds of drunk right now
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
