I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
