I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
