I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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