that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
