i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
