i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
