when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you had me at cake vodka
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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