I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
