I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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