I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
