Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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