So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
