I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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