Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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