Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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