Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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