I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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