I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
