We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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