can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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