she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
