I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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