Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
