I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
