i need an iv and a liver transplant
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
