Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
