I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
