We named our party play list daddy issues
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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