I wannas sexs uuuuu
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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