i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
