I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
