I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
