can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
