I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
