They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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