I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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