Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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