ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
