To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
