If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He? As in you personified your dick?
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I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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