this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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