My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
this hospital has no fireball
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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