I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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