My liver just broke up with me...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
