I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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