I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
