Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
