Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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