I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
