I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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