its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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