sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
