I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
