I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
