Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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