I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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