I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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